Creative Nectar Studio: Supporting community and juicy living through creativity: May 2012

I thought my life was so together. Things were finally feeling like they were where they needed to be...even feeling a bit "secure" and then BOOM, a lot of very important things I believed to be true were completely demolished! Here I am, feeling as if I am being asked to leave the safety of the nest and learn to fly. Only wait a minute, didn't I JUST do this? I quit my secure day job of 10 years 9 short months ago! Hadn't I said "yes" to the deep yearning and need inside of me to help create this studio? Surely that was my big "leaving the nest" moment. Apparently this was just act one.

In act two it feels like the Universe is giving me a very big nudge out of my safety zone. From what I can tell I am being asked to finally come out of my shell and be truly authentic and no longer play it safe or small. I am being asked to do stuff on my own and make decisions based on what I feel is right not because of how it might look to a certain few; maybe to even make stuff up as I go along. It is time for me to truly find my own voice and live from that strong place that lies deep within all of us but is very seldom trusted.

This is how it with process painting. This is what is slowly being cultivated inside of me each time I meet my painting. It is a trusting of what wants to be created even when it doesn't make sense or looks terrible in that moment. Painting asks me to go with it anyway and leave the security of my analytical mind. What I am only now discovering after 15 years of practice, is that there are still several layers in me that are being unearthed. Nine months ago when I quit my job, I felt like I was 100% authentic and honest with myself and that I had finally "arrived". I thought the strong and true inner me was taking over and that was that. What I realize now is yes, that was a bit of her, but this excavation is a process...it takes time. It is an ever-evolving understanding with myself that informs the next step. The more I practice present moment awareness through painting, the deeper I go.

So, what have I been shown lately? Nothing much. Just that I have had the voices of important others guiding my actions. Voices that have been so integrated and so subtle that they have passed as my own for far too long. And now the Universe sees that I am ready for more even though I don't feel it or trust it. Well, maybe I do. But it is really scary! This time I don't risk just being out of a job.This time the risk is on a much deeper level and includes people not liking the real me, the one who wants to step out of the shadows and run the show. This time I risk possible failure at the one thing I truly believe in - creating a safe home for the painting process.

When we paint in the studio it is a safe environment. There is no judgement about what or how we create. No comments are allowed and we paint in the silence. It is secure and supportive and designed this way so that we feel safe to let things come out that we wouldn't normally risk showing in our daily lives. It is a place to build courage. But now I believe I am being asked to do this ALL the time. The last week or so has shown me it is time for me to share my own voice and trust my inner guidance. It is time for me to leave the nest and learn to fly...again. Only this time when I land I will be in the nest I built and on my own.