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Sunday, July 22, 2012

Coming Out To My Greatness


"You are the light of the world." —Matthew 5:14

It's taken over three decades for me to return to the magnificence that I knew as a 3-year-old. When I was 3, I knew I was loved. True, not everyone has a fortunate childhood... But at 3 years old I lived in the moment and played and expressed my greatness and smiled and laughed and didn't try to change a damn thing about myself. I was pure joy in expression.

Something happened along the way. I can't remember exactly when...Perhaps it was when I started public school and learned there was a "right" and "wrong" way to do things. Maybe it was after my parents separated and I learned how to achieve to earn attention. By the time I was 13, I was uncomfortable in my own skin and repulsed by the changes going on in my body. At 15, I started writing down every calorie I ate and hovered somewhere between the worlds of craving and shaming. On the outside I was an "A" student and a "good girl" (for the most part). But on the inside, I was an empty shell. No one was home.

It took another decade of exhausting myself by striving to prove my worth while simultaneously starving my body and spirit—all the while hurting myself and others—before I was able to slow down enough to get curious about the black hole at the center of my being.

What I found behind my neurotic striving and controlling—through insight meditation, process painting and other mindfulness practices over the years—was a seemingly-bottomless pit of sadness and grief which simply wanted to be feltWhen we are driven by fear, the fear itself is far scarier than that which we are avoiding and running from. 

And yet, to my surprise, something existed on the other side of the grief. I found the sweetness of new life, like the purity of a newborn child. A rebirth of my truest, divine self. A homecoming.

Marianne Williamson puts it beautifully in her book A Return to Love
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Over these years and with lots of help, I have healed my relationship with food. What used to be an obsessive, torturous experience has become one of the ways I can nourish myself and my spirit, and take in the vitality that this world offers. 

I have also healed my relationship with my sexuality, finding—with surprise—that once I stopped trying to control myself and accepted and loved what was happening, my true nature as a Lesbian emerged naturally.

Each of us is created in the image and likeness of God—of pure goodness. It is the small human mind, the judgement, the mass-delusion of society, the world of "right" and "wrong" which overshadow our truth and place our light under a bushel. 

Our job in this lifetime is to uncover our greatness and remember the truths we have forgotten over time. As we come out to our own greatness, we give others permission to do the same. It is the Hero's Journey—the journey of a lifetime. Coming home to ourselves, and coming out to the world. Expressing the greatness that we are.

In gratitude,
Jenny

PS: Stephanie and I are so excited to offer a process painting experience as part of the upcoming "Out in the Open" LGBT retreat at Unity Village, Sept 27-30th. You can find more info at www.unityvillage.org/lgbt.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


Join us this Thursday evening July 12th from 7:30-9:30 for Creative Nectar Studio's first "house concert"! Victor James Dougherty combines years of guitar and vocal performance with soulful lyrics to create memorable songs that inspire and transform. This intimate setting promises to deliver a magical night of conscious music and candlelight.

$5 suggested love offering/feel free to bring your own refreshments. Please RSVP to reserve your spot as seating is limited. creativenectar@hotmail.com

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Declaring Independence From Society's Idea Of Beauty


“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”   - Amy Bloom
 
I can't think of a better day to post this blog than on America's day of Independence because what I am writing about, is a bit of my own independence and freedom. My body's independence from 43 years of struggle and oppression against my cruel and abusive thoughts and my own freedom to love and care for my body just as she is, even though she doesn't doesn't look anything like what is presented on the covers of magazines. I decided to share this on the studio's website because this all suddenly made sense in the middle of a painting workshop. The process works in a deeply subtle way. And even when I think it hasn't made a bit of difference... something like this happens.

A few weeks ago Creative Nectar had a combined workshop with Sumya Anani. The morning began with yoga at Sumya's yoga studio, Learning To Fly. The afternoon was process painting. I had the afternoon off and was able to paint while Jenny facilitated. I was painting. It was great. Also, I was in some serious pain. I had been dealing with chronic pain for a year and a half and that day I think it was as bad as it had ever been. Still, I painted.

I was painting the face of a green man with a snake wrapped around his head. I didn't know where it was going and I didn't care. I just wanted to be there with the paint and paper because it was keeping the pain in the background. However, by the time I started painting the green man's neck, I was in a great deal of discomfort. My neck literally felt on fire and that familiar feeling of hopelessness crept up from behind me and took over. I decided to paint the pain in bold, red streaks. A large black dot wanted to appear in the middle of the figure's neck so I painted that.

 After painting the black dot I took a break. I went into the bathroom and just sat on the toilet feeling like I was losing some sort of fight with my body. I literally asked in a hushed and desperate voice to whoever was listening, "Why is this happening and why won't it go away!?" The answer came in an instant and was as powerful as a bolt of lightning.

 I suddenly knew with every fiber of my being that my body was responding to 43 years of severe verbal abuse. An image of a dog being kicked came into my mind. If you kick a dog too many times he will finally bite back. My body was biting back. Tears took over as I realized just how demanding and relentless I had been about body size and weight all my life. Years of looking down at my little belly with disgust...sometimes going so far as to give it a disdainful little slap. Memories flooded my awareness. Memories of how I'd starve myself in high school and even before in grade school. Memories of shame because I wore bigger sizes than most as a preteen. And memories of a life being on one diet or another just like my mom had been. So there I was....crying on the toilet, apologizing to my beautiful body. Letting her know I understood the pain and that the abuse ended then and there. I kissed my thighs and gave my belly a big hug. I wiped my tears and returned to my painting.

 I felt lighter....free from trying to shape my body into something it wasn't. Happier because that idea of perfection had melted away.And although the pain wasn't gone, it wasn't as intense. I had made peace with my body. The war I had been waging internally was over. It was the end of an awful era.
 What I realised that day was no matter what amazingly good stuff I chose to put into my body, or how many walks I took each day didn't matter if my internal dialog was one of constant shame and belittlement directed towards my body. The beautiful body that had done an amazing job getting me where I needed to go for 43 years; an incredible miracle, had  been rewarded by my focusing only on what I perceived as ugly flaws.

 Once again,painting had cleared the way for me to strip another layer of myself away and uncover a dark truth that found it's way into the light and shone as gold. Alchemy!