Being Who You Are

Who am I? What is my true nature? Am I worthy of love?

This last month I attended two different retreats that invited me to step out of my normal modes of operation and delve deep within. The first was a process painting retreat with my mentor Sarah Oblinger and took place at a YMCA camp nestled in the Flint Hills of Kansas. The second was an insight meditation silent retreat with my dharma teacher Robert Brumet and took place in a clubhouse tucked away in nature at Unity Village, Missouri. While these two retreats were quite different in design--(one involved the colorful and soulful acts of painting, dancing, connecting, sharing food and stories, while the other utilized more solitary and inward practices of silent meditation)--they wove together for me a common theme: The courage and compassion to see and accept myself as I truly am. Both retreats I went into with a sense of identity (of "being someone doing something") and both I came out of feeling raw, vulnerable, fully alive, and completely connected with my heart.

Each retreat--each in its own way--taught mindfulness, or consciousness of what is. In order to have clear awareness, we must be willing to strip away the stories and see something as it truly is, not as we would like it to be. The myth of perfectionism has driven me for most of my life. Somehow at an early age I adopted the belief that "if I'm just good enough, I will be loved." Unfortunately, from that vantage point, enough is never enough.

I am very moved by the work of the "vulnerability guru", researcher and storyteller Brené Brown. In case you aren't one of the 12 million+ people who have viewed her wildly popular TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability or the more recent talk on Listening to Shame, I HIGHLY recommend watching them. She talks about shame as being the fear of disconnection ("Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?") She says you must be willing to let go of who you think you should be in order to be who you really are. A scary thing, and yet crucial for true living.

Who am I when I strip away the strategies? When I let go of the stories? I might have a sense of comfort and familiarity in my old-yet-outdated identity, but the truth of who I am so much bigger. So much deeper. So raw. So human. Imperfect, and yet completely deserving of love.

When we reject part of our essence, we might unknowingly be treating ourselves in a violent way, whether through our self-talk or in the way we relate to our bodies. And that's so easy to do--I mean, how many times through our popular culture do we subliminally receive the message that we are not okay as we are? Perfectionism is a trap. It's a distraction from what truly is. Practicing compassion for oneself becomes an act of courage in a world clouded by delusion.

Who am I really? I am enough.

Living In Gratitude: A Place Of Thanksgiving

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

 

November is the unofficial start of the holidays, when we're greeted with colder weather, busier streets and fuller schedules. This month brings us the holiday for feasting and family and a grand opportunity to remember all that we have and rejoice by giving thanks. It's nice to wonder what would happen if we could take that feeling of gratitude and carry it with us throughout the rest of the year... It could be a life changing event.

What we are learning in the studio is that it's not always easy to be full of gratitude when our lives feel hard or lonely, and it doesn't do us a bit of good to pretend those feelings don't exist. Through painting, we realize we can feel that hard loneliness and find some curiosity for it. And by diving into what we are experiencing in the moment (even the yucky stuff) we discover a little space to breathe in some needed fresh air. Our gratitude can begin in that moment, a place of thanks giving.

We are offering many painting opportunities this month and we'd love to see you! Thank you so much for being part of our community!

Living Without Masks: Finding The Courage To Be Ourselves

“She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew.”

― Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

October brings us falling leaves, pumpkins and Halloween! All Hallow's Eve invites us for one night a year to wear a mask and playfully become something we are not. What many of us have found through process painting is that we are almost always wearing a mask of some kind—and not just on Halloween.

In the studio, we encourage curiosity and the courage to step into a new way of looking at things--taking off our mask to discover a truer self living within each breath and brush stroke. Even if it's just a few hours a week, we learn how it feels to inhabit that raw and vulnerable place. We paint to discover ourselves, and as we call on deep wisdom we are given an incredible gift: compassion for ourselves and others.

May this find you full of courage and wonder about what lives behind the mask!

Silencing Our Inner Critic

"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,'

 then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

- Vincent Van Gogh

 

Lately at the studio, we've been working with how to disengage the long-held beliefs that we "aren't good enough." Most of us have had this belief, and for many of us it steers our lives... sometimes without us knowing it. That feeling of not being okay can lead us to look outside ourselves for solutions. The truth is we hold all the answers inside.

How do we learn to trust ourselves again? Well, at Nectar we paint! We are creative beings and sometimes just the feel and motion of putting paint on paper helps us return to our center of truth. The inner critic might still come in, but instead of buying into what it's telling us, we can thank it for its' many years of service and politely tell it to get lost. We do this by saying "YES" to what wants to come into our painting, even if it doesn't make sense, the colors don't match or we think it will "ruin" it. When we say "yes" to ourselves, it is powerful experience and a beautiful thing to witness.

We would love the opportunity to paint with you this month and hold you all in a space of loving kindness.

A peek inside the process

What's it like to attend a process painting workshop? Is there any skill or experience necessary? Do I have to talk about what I paint? What if I'm freaked-out to begin?

We're glad you asked! Unity Magazine has published an article by Jenny in their September/October 2013 issue that allows you to peer into a process painting workshop.

"This is not your typical art class. There’s no assignment or skill to learn; no need for a finished product to proudly display. No one is told what or how to paint. Rather, it’s about painting and living from the inside out. We learn to tune in and trust the natural creative impulses that flow through us at all times but can get stuck when we throw up roadblocks of doubt, judgment and fear. Developing the skills to tune in, trust, and take action from that deep place of inner knowing can have a positive ripple effect in our lives."

You can read the full article here, or if you'd rather view the article layout in the magazine, click here.

We'll be offering a 6-week series on Weds nights from 6-8:30 pm beginning Oct 9th in the newly-renovated, historic Unity tower as part of the Awaken Whole Life Center. You can call (855) 627-5672 to register, or click here for more information.

Turning Fear Into Curiosity

"Creativity takes courage." - Henri Matisse

                                              
At the studio we've been talking a lot lately about courage. And let's face it, stepping up to a blank piece of paper with no idea what comes next can be scary. Sometimes it takes courage just to walk through the door. 

The moment we begin to move with the paint and put some color on the page, a shift can occur. Creativity transforms us into curious creatures and suddenly it doesn't feel scary anymore. We move fluidly from one color to another, breathing in the individual personality of each hue. When we can find some playful interest around what comes next in our paintings, even the darkest of images don't seem to hold as much power over us. We become daring and bold; masters of alchemy--turning fear into curiosity. 

Discovering the Nature of Our Particular Genius

"We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own and other people’s models, learn to be ourselves and allow our natural channel to open.” — Shakti Gawain

Painting to Reveal Our Authentic Selves

There's something mystifying about showing up to a blank piece of paper with no instructions or agenda and just seeing what wants to happen. The moments of staring into the white void can be absolutely terrifying. And at the same time, exhilarating. An entire world of possibility awaits us to make the first mark.

Once we begin to paint, we might discover that the page reflects back like a mirror. While we might think we're painting something "out there," the painting is actually a reflection of our interior experience. Again, we might feel panic ("I have nowhere to hide!") or bliss ("I accept what I see with love.")

Painting for process can help us live more authentically and transparently as we show up to ourselves just as we are and allow some space for that expression. Just recently we offered a daylong workshop with spiritual counselor and Unity minister Heidi Alfrey, aka "the Queen of Transparency", and what ensued was a transformational day of process painting and deep Conscious Conversation around each individual's experience. I became very aware of the courage in the room, evident in each woman who shared from her heart and was open to seeing reality from a deeper perspective.

A snapshot of empowerment from the "Reveal Your True Colors" workshop with Heidi Alfrey at Creative Nectar Studio

What I've learned from my own healing work over the years is this: When we're true to ourselves, we have more energy for life. We're not wasting energy trying to block what we don't want the world to see. The late author Debbie Ford put it this way:

"You can't be fully yourself if you have aspects that are hiding. The shadow holds the truth of all authentic parts of being human - your vulnerability, your discontent, your jealousy, or an experience from the past that you haven't digested....The only way to invite them out of the shadow is to bring them into the light." —Debbie Ford

What better way to bring all parts of ourselves to the light then through the creative and colorful act of painting?  The alchemy that takes place is that as we begin to practice self-acceptance of what we see, the "shadow" aspects begin to lose power. It's the act of resisting our shadow that gives it energy.

Can you imagine a world where the people you interact with on a daily basis feel free enough to take off their mask of conditioning and live life in touch with the deepest, darkest aspects of themselves? While at the same time accepting themselves, and each of us, just as we are? We may not be able to transform the world at large in the blink of an eye, but we can start with ourselves by courageously revealing our authenticity and expressing our truth...one painting at a time. •

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PS—Heidi Alfrey is also host of the internet radio show "Let's Get Naked: Revealing Our Authentic Selves", airing live each Monday afternoon at 3pm CST on Unity Online Radio. She has interviewed me and Stephanie of Creative Nectar a couple times, as well as conducted a testimonial show interviewing several brave first-time painters. You can listen the archives and get a sneak-peek into the painting experience by following the links below...

Reclaiming Our Power

Sometimes when I tune into my internal mind chatter--the thoughts that seem to run the show when I'm just floating through the day on auto-pilot--I notice some pretty interesting and scary stuff: The tone can be self-defeating, commanding, negative and hopeless. It can be what you might call the inner critic that says "Just give it up--you'll never do it right!" Sometimes it says "You're a terrible person--You don't deserve love." Or "Face it, you'll always be alone. You'll never be good enough." Where in the world do these thoughts come from?!?

Somehow, somewhere along the line, we adopted internal forms of protection. Perhaps it was when we were young children being socialized by our parents or at school or church. Or maybe it's even a past-life thing. As women, we might have a deep-seated, internal fear of speaking our mind for fear of being outcast, beaten, or even burned at the stake! 

These themes come up again and again at the studio. Self-doubt. Self-hatred. Confusion. Fear. Specifically, we hear from women who feel defeated in life and have ignored their own needs for so long--always putting others first--that they feel like they're going to die of sadness or explode into a fiery rage. And we hear from women who are terrified to reveal what's inside them and yet just dying to express. 

I'll admit, it can be scary to show up to ourselves and give space to that which we've been ignoring for sometimes years or lifetimes. That's why it's so important to have a safe place and a supportive community where that can begin to happen. The studio is just one place, but you might have other places where you can show up just as you are without judgment, such as with a group of close friends, or at a sangha of spiritual supporters, or at a recovery group. It's so vital to find a community where you'll be whole-heartedly supported in uncovering your truth and giving it some life and space to grow.

Just as important as finding the place/space/community, is carving out the time. We all stay so busy and keep our calendars so completely full. And especially as women, we naturally put others' needs first and can sometimes feel selfish when we actually take time for ourselves. But it is vital for our mental/emotion/spiritual health. And if we want to be a healthy and functioning person to live up to our Super-hero schedules, then we need to make sure our own cup is full. 

This month at the studio, we're adding a new Saturday afternoon series specifically for women titled "Reclaiming Our Power: A Women's Awakening Series". It's time we make the space for ourselves to tap our feminine power and investigate what is wanting to happen in our lives. It's time to make room for our unique creative voice and explore our authenticity. And to do so in a supportive group of like-minded women. We'll be using process painting, journal prompts and group discussion to go deeper in our practice and make room for that vital self that is ready and waiting to express. We hope that you'll join us Saturdays May 11, 18 and 25 from 2-4:30 pm. The cost is $75 for the 3 weeks or $30 for a drop-in. To register, email creativenectar@hotmail.com.

We begin to reclaim our power first within ourselves, and then outwardly in the world. Pay attention to your negative self-talk. Begin to challenge it. I keep a sign posted in my apartment that reads "Inner critic, F@!# OFF!" You can be blunt like that, or subtly notice the degrading thought and remember it's trying to protect you, while gently speaking an affirmation of Truth: "I am a vital piece of this universe and am worthy and deserving of love." From the inside out, we step into our power and authenticity and it ripples outward into our lives.

Here's to living an empowered life,
Jenny

Coming Into My Own Power

Lately, painting has been asking a lot of me. It's asking me to go deeper and take a closer look at what
continues to bubble to my surface. Painting is just like any other practice, sometimes it's easy and flowing, other times it's hard and rigid and I struggle against what wants to come.

Last month I painted an image that was so hard for me to look at and so uncomfortable to be around, that I almost threw it away. This is something I just don't do. I have never thrown a painting away, and I have never given up on a painting. (Generally, with process painting we are encouraged to work with what is on the page without changing it, painting it out or starting a new one.) So, I knew what was presenting itself had to be big. Luckily, when the urge to throw away my painting was at it's peak, Jenny was in the studio and she gently encouraged me to continue working.

At first it was difficult, but the more I became curious about the images without too much judgement, the less serious they became. Eventually, the image that was so uncomfortable for me to look at, was wearing a party hat and the whole painting was transformed.

Painting this way is like peeling an onion - my own personal onion full of beautiful, dark layers.  And just when I think I've "taken care of" a layer, it shows up in another way, giving me an opportunity to embrace it differently. Ultimately, I believe painting is teaching me to come into my own power. Hooray! This is what I've wanted for over 16 years. Surprisingly, what I am finding is I am pretty scared of what that might mean. Coming into my own power, means being as authentic as I can. Being 100% honest with myself, taking a look at some pretty dark stuff, and finding compassion for it all. This work isn't always easy and fun for me, but I love it like nothing else because I am getting to know one incredible human being....ME. Oh, and there's one other thing... I get to watch this process unfold in others too and that is the tastiest icing on a seriously delicious cake!