With Or Without Paper

This week I received some rather rattling medical news and although the biospy results are not back yet,it is possible a lesion on my arm was a form of skin cancer. Most of my life this sort of information would only have been shared with a few close friends and family... but I am changing. I know that more than ever the painting process is helping me to navigate through deep,strange waters and I want to share this with as many people as possible. I want to share because I know how this process is impacting my life and maybe it could help someone else too.

Lately, it would seem, I have been repeatedly asked to sit with not knowing what something is, where it is going and seriously NOT liking how that feels. How funny (?) that this is EXACTLY what is happening in my current painting. The images coming this time have felt murky and heavy. They are less familiar to me and so there is a feeling of discomfort whenever I disengage from the process. It has been a great challenge just to show up in front of the painting and be with what wants to come. I would much rather tear it off the wall and start something new and familiar. But I don't. I stay. I feel and I paint. The times I am fully engaged in painting and choose to breathe with the moment and the color connecting from brush to paper are what keep me coming back. And these moments are what get me through not knowing what is going to happen next in my life when I'm not painting.

Sitting in the exam room at the doctor's office,I remember the studio and how it feels to be fully present in my painting with the sun shining through the window and the feel of the brush in my hand. I understand again that life can be like a painting. I may not know where it is leading or even what it is. The images may be unfamiliar and scary to me and that's ok. I notice everything in the moment and decide to practice not getting caught up in thoughts about things that haven't even happened yet. I take a deep breath and notice as I exhale.

This process has helped me through the toughest times of my life. Painting has taught me how to stay and remain present through my mother's five year fight with Alzheimer's disease and my father's rapid death from cancer. There were times I would worry about the next step of the disease with my parents wondering if I would be able to make it without crumbling. When I chose to be present with what was unfolding, miracles happened. Laughing with my father as we all sat on his bed the night of my birthday 4 days before he died, I chose to be present. I found true joy in our conversation and realized maybe for the first time how brillant and blue his eyes were.

There is a sweetness that happens when you let go and surrender to what is. I know for a fact without painting in my life I would have missed  some of the most important moments with my parents in their final weeks and years. Painting has given me a tool I can use with or without paper. Painting has taught me courage and peace in present moment awareness.

The Art of Getting Curious

It's a bird ... it's a plane ... it's a make-up-wearing volcano carrying a handbag! Seriously, this is what process painting can be like when you're present to the flow. We have ideas of what we want to paint, or what the desired outcome should look like. But when we just start making marks and follow our energy and curiosity--without being too quick to label--well, look out!

The problem is we often censor what wants to come out. What? Abraham Lincoln goes there? A baby on a candy cane in the middle of my masterpiece? No way. What will the others think of me? But when we say "no" to what our creative spark wants, we often find we get bored. Or tired. Or we just don't want to paint anymore. And suddenly the thrill is gone. We're creatively blocked.

Can you simply remain curious as a child and just play--remaining open enough to explore this new thing before you? That means not taking your painting (or yourself) too seriously. It means listening closely enough to hear the needs of the moment, and allowing them to unfold organically without having the answers.

It requires having enough trust in ourselves and in the process that we can stand back and receive. We do not have to be in control. In fact, we're not! (Much to our dismay.)

"What is this?" With fresh eyes and a beginner's mind, "Where does this want to go?" Let it go. It might not make any sense. It might be more fantastic than your mind can conceive. When you're following the thread of your authentic creative spark, the universe is the limit.

Our First Workshop at the New Space

I am so glad to be part of all that is unfolding at Creative Nectar Studio.
And I realize that as I allow it all to happen the way it wants to happen...without becoming stuck on how I think it should look or in what manner it should arrive, I am reminded of the painting process. In process painting we are asked if we can be ok with how things have appeared on the paper in front of us. We are asked to sit with the aspects of the painting that feel wrong or out of place and see if we might gain new perspective and compassion for that uncomfortable stuff. For me, I have realized that when I stop struggling against the things that make me uncomfortable or don't seem like they belong, they will ultimately become the very things that shift and become my biggest teacher.
THANK YOU to all who attended our first painting workshop....it was a rich and powerful experience. I look forward to painting again in our new space which feels alive with our collective energies...eager for another journey.
Much love to you all, Steph.